(no subject)

[bardic_lady]

It's amazing, really.

I have projects. I really enjoy them. But I know they're shite. I ignore that fact because they keep me entertained, but really, I should be out being a useful member of society, volunteering at least, if not getting a job, instead of sitting around wasting my time on something that's never going to do anything but provide me with a modicum of entertainment. But I can delude myself. As long as I don't look too hard, I can play around, but then I read something that's actually good, and I remember just how much is in my head. And I wonder why I bother.

There's a guy I know, I've known him his whole life. There's nothing he touches that doesn't turn to gold. He's a brilliant theoretical physicist, he makes computers do tricks for him, he learned German as if he'd been speaking it his whole life, he does theatre. He won National Science Fair and History Day and went to International Science Fair at least twice. He got in to CalTech and MIT. And now he's writing. Strange, intense, beautiful prose. And I wonder why I bother.

I have this weird superiority/inferiority thing going. I'm sure that all my friends are much better than I am, but I appear to think I'm better than anybody else. I'm not sure that I know the difference between pride and arrogance and simple pleasure in my accomplishments, which are few and far between at the moment. And I wonder why I bother.

I have to find something that I can take pride in that isn't a bunch of shite. I have to recognize that I'm one of nearly 6.5 billion people on this planet and it's very likely that I will never have any greater distinction than that. I wouldn't expect to hear from me again.

Comments

[lostinarden.livejournal.com]

heh, i have that dichotomy, too. i generally despise people in general, believing that i'm so much better then them, but those that i actually surround myself with are sooooo much better than me in every way.

[littlelotte.livejournal.com]

Pride in things you do is a very good thing, and you're very smart. There is no reason not to be pleased with what you do well, or at least fairly well. Yeah, there might always be someone better than you at any given thing, but there are also always a ton of people worse than you, and being able to do what you know how to do is a very good thing.

Anything that keeps you happy--no matter how "big" or how "small" to other people--is always something worthwhile and important. You are necessary for whatever given projects you're working on to be accomplished. First thing, you're a dramaturg! You have a sincere passion for the field! That's amazing in and of itself--it's tough work that few sincerely enjoy and have a passion for like you do. I actually wish I'd have gotten my hands on doing it sooner than I did, but that's not what life had planned out for me. It may, however, be exactly what the Fates have planned for you. Even if it's not, you're still here and there must be a reason that you are. That's the viewpoint I take whenever I'm really down and don't know why I'm still living. I am still living, and so there must be a reason why, even if I don't know that reason yet.

And this got kinda babbly, so I'll cut it off. Bottom line, though, it's good to be proud of what you do no matter how insignificant some others may view it as. What is entirely insignificant to one may change another's life.

[hydingjekyll.livejournal.com]

You bother because you're awesome. Awesome. Period. End of fucking story.

And you are special and distinct and wonderful because you lighten the lives of those who have the privelege of knowing you (and who breathe through their noses). I, for one, am glad and delighted to list you among my friends. You don't have to be famous to be unique and appreciated. Besides, you still have plenty of time to become famous.

I'll see you and your work on Broadway.