(no subject)

[bardic_lady]

Ah, Richard...Why in bleeding hell am I working on you?!
So much drama, all I really want is a day where I don't walk into that theatre and discover that something else is wrong...
Was so tense today that the muscles in my neck activated my gag reflex and I threw up. During a class period. Haven't eaten yet today, haven't slept much this week, I'm a bloody mess. Compulsive volunteerism is hazardous to your health...

Talked to Jac Royce today about me and my life. She says I'm mean, and she's right. I am not a nice person. In order to be a better collaborator, I have to tame the urge to make sniping, cynical comments all the time. I also need to remember that I'm not as smart as my ego thinks I am. I have a certain amount of book-knowledge, but I'm not a very smart person. I have to stop needing to show that I can be the best and the brightest.
Jac also says that reading and the things that I liked in middle school were not what made me weird and pariah-ish, she says it's because I didn't participate. Maybe so, but the reading and perspective didn't help me. Hmmm...Must ponder this more. Must learn to be vulnerable. Very difficult...
No one but Will and I went to swing tonight, so no dancing, very sad...
I wish I could pull out of this downward spiral.

Comments

[vgabby.livejournal.com]

Hmm Jac told me I was too nice and that I needed to learn how to be mean.... hmm she also called me a person of color...but we won't go there....